I HATE THAT I HATE TO HATE YOU!!!
I could smell the on his breath as he pinned me to the bed.
Time had seemingly stopped as I tried to blot the reality from my mind.
He started kissing me. Kissing me in places I cherished and held dear.
It was so dark but I strained to see something, anything, as I had to confirm that this was really happening.
As stomach lurched and my blood race my reality was confirmed as I felt his rough hands running along my thighs.
And there it was, my pride destroyed! I felt as if my entire life had been ruined. I was filthy and the thought of ever wanting another man seemed so lost in space. I decided there and then that I would never let another man ever come close!
The days that followed were bleak, as my mind went into overdrive.
Should I jump off a cliff?
Should I over dose?
Perhaps drowning myself would be ideal!
How about putting a gun to my head? That would be quick and painless!
But what’s the point?
Why should I give him the advantage of thinking he had control of me. I was wrecked and torn apart an d no matter how hard I tried the many hours spent in the shower washing over my body couldn’t wash away the marks he left on my heart and mind.
I had many people I could run to, but still I felt alone, isolated, abandoned and FINISHED!!
I wanted to end the horror. I couldn’t face another day thinking of how he had got away. The heart that was all torn up grew bigger, but neither with love nor pity. It grew dark and cold; it started to suffocate me as I now saw myself in a different light.
Having to smile, but for unknown reasons!
I locked myself away from the world. Tears became my sleep and laughter became my enemy. I longed to be loved again, but my heart wouldn’t allow it.I kept thinking should I fight it or just take it to my grave.
Why did God let this dreadful act happen to me?
Had he stopped loving me?
Then I remembered, “God will never give you more than you can bear”.
As this realization washed over me, tears came rushing down my face.
He could have killed me!.
I’ve was so lost in fear and anger that I had become unappreciative and ungrateful. God had been watching over me the entire time, he had sent friends to comfort me but I was so blind.
Many times we face situations that affect us so negatively that we lose all hope and giving seems the only way out.
But as long as we breathe, there is hope!
One day it well get better if you believe it will!
One day someone will love you like you deserve to be loved.
So live life! Love your enemies!
Be appreciative of the people that care about you!
And Laugh too much. Yes laugh “too” much.
As we are only human we all will make mistakes so FORGIVE all.
But even though we are only humans…
“I HATE THAT I HATE TO HATE YOU!!!”